Monday, March 31, 2014

I did NOT forget this existed!

Our work and sleep schedules have not been in sync these past few months. I've been getting up and going to work just after Dorian goes to bed, so I haven't heard much of him lately.

But my site is closed for this week, and lookit that, new material!

"You are my stickbug. My little stickbug." (Rolls over, snuggles me.) "And you are caught in my web of love!"

"Oh, so you're just gonna sit here and drink coffee at your desk all day." (Sincerely, apologetically.) "Oh, no, no, don't get up, you're fine. It's not a problem."

"I've got that boom boom pow..."

And, finally, this incident:

I am asleep, my back to Dorian, who is facing me. I wake up to him giggling--no, cackling loudly in his sleep. His cackles continue enthusiastically for several seconds...and then he punches me in the back of the head. (Very lightly, he was asleep, after all.)

As I lay there dumbfounded, he make a gleeful noise, sighs happily, and snuggles back into his pillow.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Morpheus II

"Haha, instead of 'faulty logic,' 'salty logic.' It's logic that makes certain people annoyed. Like when I have to go through semantics with you."

"Goddammit! The Dream King's being a fucker today. He's not letting me go."

Monday, January 13, 2014

Sir Synth-A-Lot

(Dorian, impressed): "I did not know your screwdriver was that big."
Me: "What?"
(In a tone that suggests this is obvious, and explains everything: "You weren't on Star Trek."

"I was meant to start a riot."

"Adom! Are you there?!"
"Yeah, I'm here."
"Oh. Nightmare confirmed. You do look good with earrings, though."

"What is it?...Oh, ok, that's what I thought. No, it looks good, I like it, it just (lapses into Spanish, spends next ten seconds talking in approving tones and nodding his head vigorously.)"

"Ugh, ugh, ugh, rocks. Backing up top to bottom. Popping the front loads. Never moving for anything. Poprocks."

"Zzz...Here, have a synthesizer."
"Where'd you get a synthesizer?"
"Took it off that homeless guy."
(Suppressing laughter.) "What? Give it back."
"No! He doesn't need it, he's homeless!"
"Exactly, that's all he's got. Give it back to him."
(Whining, loudly and petulantly, like a locomotive in the night) "Nooooooooooo...o..okay, fine."

"I like big butts and I can not lie, you other brothas can't deny, when a (grabs my rear end)...mmmm...I found a butt. Adom!"
"I found a butt."

Conversation between Dorian, Arthur, and myself, on the subject of our Dagorhir friend, Drunken Bob:

Me: (Something about letting friends of ours use our camp shower, mention D-Bob as someone we'd both likely be okay with using it. "We could share it with Drunken Bob," or something.)
Arthur: "I would share a shower with that man." (He was not speaking in a sexual context; D-Bob is one of the most pleasant and good-natured fellows you could meet.)
Me: "I know, right? Yeah."
Dorian: "I wouldn't."
(Both of us look at him quizzically.)
Dorian: "He looks like he'd be a water hog."
Arthur and myself: "Oh. Yeah...yeah, he does."

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Doranosaurus Rex

"Want to go to the store with me and Jim?"
"No, I don't think Jim and I should run hoover helicopters together. I just have a bad feeling that...even as an adult, Gummi Bears never made sense to me."

"It's either that, or I'm a dinosaur."

"I know where unicorns and dragons come from. There's a star cluster in the Milky Way. And I also learned how to defeat Slenderman, through the power of Nate's dad is a badass. He really needs to stop telling me what to do, though. I will not take a nap!"

"Adom! Mary is eating squirrels! Stop her!"
(He claims he said, "Skittles," referring to the school program he works in that doesn't allow candy to be consumed during program, but I know what I heard.)

"The problem with Data is that the King Midas pillow isn't in him."

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Let Slip the Dogs of War

"You must not retreat, retreating is for the weak. Seventy three out of seventy nine golden retrievers retreat in the first week of battle. If you want to win the war, you need the good stuff. That's why I support the use of dalmatians."

"Yes, love?"
"Are we still married?"
"Yes, love."
"Good. Oh, snap, I'm storing the three little pigs in the trunk of the car in storage. Just FYI."

"You gotta make sure the old people have a house, too. Everyone needs a house. Did you find the information on the caterpillars you were looking for? It's for the house."

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I...I think the cat just told you to fuck off.

Today, Dorian and I are home sick after eating some depraved chili.

Me, at the computer, sipping Pepto-Bismol like a martini.
Dorian, in the bathroom.
Akhim, at the bathroom door, wanting to get in (presumably to use his catbox).

Akhim: "Meow. Mew. Mew. Meeeooorr. Meee-owrrr. Arrowww. Rowr. Rowr. ROWR. ROWRRR. ARRROWRRR."
Dorian, muffled through door of bathroom: "Stop it."
Akhim: "Fffuuuuuurrrowwwwrrfff!"

(We did let Akhim in to do his business.)

* * *

"The wheat farm with the blue thing. Nope, can’t do it. Seven bowls and a half. All three with a moon."

"Who’s in charge? Don’t let him stop."

"I don’t know why, but you have to, and they’re seventeen different, and I don’t know why, but you have to…zzzzz…"

"The fishing net was the first thing I saw of an Avatar thing. They firebend and caught the queso in it. Too bad there were no druids. But then they got the druids and there were flaming swords. Cheetos."

Sunday, November 10, 2013

And he is still not a Nazi

"There are people on the roof!"

Dorian: "Adom, we have a problem."
Me: "What's that, love?"
Dorian: "It''s my arm."
Me: "What's wrong?"
Dorian: "The man. It's the man. arm...KAPLOW!" (Dorian drives his elbow outward, jamming it into my eye.)
Me: "OW! Jesus fuck!"
Dorian: "Got 'im."

"Have you seen my d20? I think the rabbit hid it in the percolator. Tell Roger to get the gun."

"Where's the cat? Honey, where's the cat? You didn't let him outside, did you? We live on the second floor!"
"He's fine. He's standing on you."
"Well tell him to get a job!"

 A quick moment to talk about Akhim.

We brought Akhim home July of last year. He was twenty something then. At the time, he was a very old, old cat, who had been living in a house with another cat, three dogs, and smokers, so it was not surprising that he spent most of his day sleeping and moved very slowly. The intention upon bringing him home was to give him a place where he could comfortably, quietly, pass away.

This is a picture of Akhim the day we brought him home:

Photo courtesy of our roommate, Matt

By now, you may be thinking this is a memorial post, or a "my kitty is dying" message. It is not. Because in the last year, I've become convinced the cat is aging backwards and should have been named Merlin.

This is a much more recent picture of Akhim:

Photo also courtesy of our roommate, Matt

He's put on weight, he grooms himself, he climbs on things, he tears across the apartment chasing things only he can see, he turns the faucet on, he sits on character sheets during gaming, he plays with Tootsie Pops (inexplicably, his favorite toy), he wakes us up in the morning by brushing his tail across my face and sitting on Dorian's, he steals food he has no business eating (pizza, lemon cookies, saltines, and anything involving fried potatoes), mingles at parties, tolerates grabby babies, demands cuddles, and--when we're sad--he mimics what he sees when Dorian and I kiss by tilting his head and bopping his nose to ours multiple times.

He wakes us up when the alarm goes off, but lets us sleep in on the weekends, he greets anyone who enters the apartment as a friend, he demonstrates he understands some English. When he wants your attention, he taps you on the shoulder.

I didn't like cats before Akhim. I'm allergic, I grew up around dogs, and most cats I'd been introduced to were generally jerks. It was a while before I stopped insisting that I liked Akhim, and since I liked him, clearly he was a phouka, not a cat.

But I'm pretty sure that objective studies would conclude that Akhim is the best cat to ever exist. Our cat is awesome.

Photo by Matt. I'm not sure why Akhim is so reflective in this. He doesn't look like that, and the photo on my machine doesn't look like that, either, but the upload's colors are much less saturated. Ah well, it's a cute photo.