Living Room

"...living room."
"Uh? What?"
"There's a yakuza in the living room."

Covered in Bears

Our schedules finally synched up last night.

"Vegetable sprouts, bitches."

"I love you, but don't carve that in bacon, yet."
"Uh, why?"
"Jim. Bacon eater."

"What?...No, I don't have pants on fire!"

"I love you, except for one thing."
"What's that?"
(Alarmed) "You're covered in bears!"

"Uh? What? Adom?"
"Yes, love?"
"Can I have some water?"
"Sure."
"Bring it in my gray cup."
"Ok."
(Falls asleep.) "Y'...y'know why?"
"No, why?"
"Because it's the One Ring of cups. The Rick James of cups."

"There are no problems on the space station that can't be solved by drop kicking...This is a drop kick house."

(Dorian grabs my chest.)
Dorian: "Hm. I've found a D-class planet."
Me, dryly: "Yes. Double D, at that."
Dorian: "Hmm. Uninhabitable. I think I need to terraform it. With my penis."
Me: *Horrified look*
(Oh, yeah, can't wait until my father reads this entry.)

"This is full of balloons. Not like a Bajoran. Which is full of boring."

"Cute like a mouse. A little mouse...." A moment, passes, and in a very high, cute voice, he says: "Squeak!"

"Put the wig on. Get into the flying box."

I'm not sure what to think of this one. All of the implications are troubling.
(Rolls over, grabs my butt.) "Hm. Not Jim. Jim isn't mostly in Pennsylvania."

Me: "Sweetie--"
Dorian: "No! I'm reading it right now. I have to ship these orders out for movement! I'm doing it now!"
(Akhim, who has not yet been fed, mewls at the foot of the bed.)
Me: "I gotta go feed the fuzzbutt."
Dorian: "He's just pissed because he's no longer a solid."
Me: "What was he before? A gas?" (He shakes his head.) "A liquid?" (Head shake.) "Plasma?"
Dorian: "A Founder! Like Odo."
Me: "...You really have been watching too much Star Trek lately."
Dorian: "...Fire photon torpedoes."

Brimstone

Dorian talks the most in his sleep just before he wakes up, and work has had us at divergent sleep schedules the last few weeks. But I do have an update for you!

"You just wait until you get to the...flippy thing. Then you'll see."

"You really need to take into consideration just how much bacon it can withstand."

"Ravus? No, not Ravus. Can't be Ravus. He doesn't smell of brimstone."

Soggy Tacos

Nothing from Dorian this time. This is a sequence from a Facebook exchange between two of my Dagorhir friends, Kotaro and Tumbark. (With their permission, of course.)

Kotaro: “True, but who would have expected Dolph 'I must break you' Lundgren to have a Masters in a totally scientific discipline?”

Tumbark: “I would”

Kotaro: “You expect baboons to bring you pizza when you speak the right incantation.”

Tumbark: “Guess who's NOT getting delicious pizza brought by a baboon next time?”

Kotaro: “Baboon pizzas are so last year. I get my tacos delivered by phoenix now.”

Tumbark: “pfff... phoenix tacos... they burn the darn thing before you get it. Not to mention they might just take a while to be born again and then? Yup burnt and soggy tacos.”

Kotaro: “I like my tacos crispy.”

Tumbark: “... and you just walked into that one... giggity”

Kotaro: “I stand by my statement.”

And who puts a counselor on the bridge?

I think I've figured out the sign in issue!

This post will likely make little sense if you haven't seen Encounter At Farpoint or are totally unfamiliar with Star Trek.

Dorian and I sat down this evening to watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's worth noting Dorian really doesn't care for the Trek franchise (the DVDs are mine), and had never seen the first episode. Naturally, he repeatedly fell asleep. Watching him try to make sense of  the slices of episode he caught was hilarious.

(Before falling asleep)
"Is that guy not wearing pants?"
"He's in a dress."
"Just walking around? Why?"
"Because these are modern times."
"Huh?"
"Gene Roddenberry figured that in the future, people would no longer care if someone was gay, lesbian, or trans."
"No one else is in a dress."
"Yeah, they are. Look, she is."
"Ok. In the first show, all women wore dresses. And later on, they switched to everyone wearing the same thing."
"Yeah. Because it actually became modern times."

"Wha? They were just in a trial...why are there woods? I missed...I missed everything. Who's that guy?"
"It's okay, sweetie. You missed, like, an episode. Want me to go back to where you were?"
"No. I'll have to get it again later, anyway. Who the fuck is that guy?"
"That's William Riker. He's the first offi--"
"Zzzz..."
(A few minutes pass)
"...What? Huh? No! Wait, who the fuck is that guy?"
"That's William Riker, the firs--"
"Zzzz...Whuh? Ah! Who the fuck is that guy?"
"...Riker, first officer."
"And the wet twerp?"
"Wesley Crusher. Whil Wheaton."
"Fuck that guy."
"Yeah, that's what a lot of people said."
"Zzzz...who...the fuck...is that guy..."
(I can't wait until he starts falling asleep between beard phases.)

Later in the episode, the away team is poking around under Farpoint Station, and the resident empath "turns on" her abilities and describes--in the kind of over simplified, limited vocabulary that makes one wonder how the hell she got a certification as ship's counselor that for reasons beyond my ken the writers kept sticking into the character's dialogue--and Dorian keyed in to some of the words.

(Deanna Troi says something akin to "Pain, terrible loneliness, sorrow, more pain!")
"Oh no! No! Run away! Get the ice packs!"

And then he fell asleep for good.

"Attacked by a source...I stole the limo. Rub all the holodecks."


"...Later on, they find out Data doesn't know what the fuck he is doing."

"Dress guy is just everywhere. Just walking around. Look at him go! Places to be."

"I love you...I'll show you the Fava Technique."

(Dorian bellows a shockingly loud, impressively extended moan not unlike that of a zombie. I'm unsure how he slept through his own noise.) "...That's why you don't let Akhim eat the peas."

"What? No, he doesn't eat meat...Okay, that's not a tree, then. He doesn't usually eat meat."

"You don't, you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't need....um....zzz..."


(Distressed) "Aaaaaddoooommm!"
"Yes, love? It's okay, I'm right here."
(Satisfied) "Tacos."

Good Kitty

One of the little things Dorian and I "argue" about is how much Akhim has become "my cat," when Dorian was the one who raised him. Akhim follows me around the house, sits on whatever part of me is available if I'm stationary too long, sleeps curled up against me every night (and goes to bed with me), and comes when I call his name. He's also a ridiculously intelligent cat, and many of our friends have joked that he's more person than cat, or that he clearly understands English.

"Sweetie, it's time to get up."
"You and what army?"
(Akhim walks into the room.) "Uh...this one. Akhim, help me wake up daddy."
(Akhim jumps onto the bed.) "He won't do it. He fears my power."
"Akhim, wake up daddy."
(Akhim jumps onto Dorian's back, proceeds to walk all over it and tickle his face with his whiskers.)
"Akhim, you are an embarrassment to the entire Bolshoi Theatre."

The Sandwiches are Groovy

I have to apologize for not updating this more often than I have. The email account I had connected with this blog was compromised, and, long story short, I had to create a new account to connect to the blog, which for reasons beyond my understanding, doesn't always allow me to log in.

Anyway, here's some gems from the last couple of weeks:

"Minus the caterers, you still have the muffins...just take it out of the bar tab."

Dorian: "Did you find your keys?"
Me: "No, I'm about to look for them."
Dorian: "Did you check inside the keys?"
Me: "Did I look inside the keys for the keys?"
Dorian: "Yes."
Me: "No, I did not."
Dorian: "Well, no wonder you haven't found them yet."

"Yeah, yeah, just pour the mustard directly over me...no, that's too much."

Dorian: "Whaa? No! Is it my fault?"
Me: "No, it's okay, it's just a thing that happens sometimes."
Dorian: "Oh, and what about...butt-er-fly?"
Me: "...That's fine, too."

"...And the sandwiches are groovy."

(Dorian snores, partially wakes up from the noise)
"God, why do my snores sound like two chainsaws fucking?" (Makes chainsaw noises with his mouth, accompanied by enthusiastic pelvic thrusts.) "Rrrarrrr! Rrrrrrr! RRRRRananananananarrr!"