Sunday, August 26, 2012


"Do we have a bat in the house?"
"Ok. Did you order me the Magic 8-ball?"

Thursday, August 23, 2012

There's so much going on here, I don't know where to begin.

"Living with the bagpipes is only necessary when you're going to live. When you're gonna die, it's a whole different thing..."
(Dorian mumbles incoherently for a bit)
"I'm awake!"
(He mumbles again)
"Stay in the TARDIS, they're outside."
(More mumbling)
"Stay in there with the Jewish Mumakill...Adom, don't go outside...
(He wakes himself up.)
"Uh? Were you having a Doctor Who dream?"
Me: "No, you were."
"No, I was in China." (He falls back to sleep) "I am a hero of the revolution...we'll get those Japanese."

Saturday, August 18, 2012


"I'm like a Navy SEAL underwear god. In the Bellagio."

(I sneeze)
"All stem cells were like, directly, "No!" But all the people were like, "Kiss!"

"Hmmph! Cholesterol. Bullshit."

"I'd start in the aquarium. 'Cause that's where it always begins."

"It's not working out as bad as I'd thought. Fish are great for climbing."

"I had my whole adventure for sexy time with you. We climbed mountains...and other stuff I can't remember...we flew a biplane!"

Friday, August 17, 2012

Pallet of Babies

"That's why it's needed to get into the Death Star with the swingset."

"I do not have a pallet of babies, no matter what they say...what?"

"I love you, even though you're not a falconer."

Wednesday, August 15, 2012


" doesn' That's doesn't translate to me at all because one, cornrows look terrible on me. Two, I'm not-I'm not black. Three, because I am way better at Reggae than he will ever be."

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Feline Fluid

Akhim drools a little, sometimes, when he's being petted. Jim found this out the hard way.

"Aaahh! There are fluids coming out of your cat. Fluids."

Nope, that's Aquaman.

"I fought the Hulk."
"Did you win?"

"The first three times....then apparently I cant breathe underwater."

Apparently, I married Nightcrawler.

"I love you, too. That's why I invented teleportation."

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

More kittens!

I keep forgetting to post these. Shanice made more kittens!

I shall be taking her out for ice cream this weekend.

I'm not sure what to make of this one.

Three AM.

Me: "Zzz..."
Dorian: "Zzzz...NO! PUT IT DOWN! DROP IT! DON'T DO IT!"
Me: O_O
Dorian: "No more butterflies here."

Sunday, August 5, 2012

I'll admit, the first one made me nervous.

"Heh, heheh, heh, heh. Bastard."

"Uh-huh. Yeah. So when you gonna be the trash hinge?"

"Wanna go to bed, babe?"
"I already"
"You're on the couch, babe."
"I'm taking a break."

"Wanna go to bed?"
"What, sweet?"
"Wanna go to bed."
"I'm already bedding!"


"Tell Akhim he can't go to the ball game, he's not a real princess."

"You know what's a stupid word? 'Flordinian.'...This is why it's all crunchy...I'm waking up. I'm going to check on the patients, then I'm going to wake up."

Saturday, August 4, 2012


"Tom, did you do that ISO?...I'm...I'm sorry! All of it was Louisiana!"

Hot Elephant Action

I was reading passages from The Beastiary aloud to entertain the group tonight, and Dorian, being Dorian, fell asleep on the couch.

Me: "Hang on, you guys need to hear 'Elephant.'"
(I flip through the pages, looking for the entry. Dorian snores loudly.)
Me: "...Where's 'Elephant?"
Dorian: "It's under, 'P,' for 'Porn.'...Aaah! No, no, no, Sascha! Put it down!"

(My close-friend-like-a-sister is named Sascha.)

Friday, August 3, 2012


"Dorian...let's go to bed."
"You'll need the robots, anyway."
"C'mon, sweetie--"
"Oh, you woke up from your nap? That's good."
(Moments pass.)
"Aztecs." (Dorian starts caressing the arm of the couch.) "You really need to start shaving your legs."
"That's the couch."

Thursday, August 2, 2012


 Dorian had a rough day. Jim came over to cheer him up. Jim brought booze.

You already know where this is going.

Dorian: "Aw, Akhim, you've never been on a drunk person before...this is what we smell like."

Dorian: "Fuckin' pandas need to stay where the whales are."

Dorian: "Ahkim lacks 99% of the things I find attractive. However, he has a complete and total hatred for humanity. That and he purrs."

Dorian: "Look, the point is, regardless of whether or not I am wearing pants, I did something--"
Jim: "I did something once."
Dorian: "Didn't get in the Bible, though. Lazy dick...okay, damn, I can't remember what I was talking about, but it had something to do with badgers or octopi."

Dorian: "I have a penis!"
Me: "Good job."
Dorian: "I'm serious. I want the fact that I have male genitalia out in the public realm."

Dorian: "I really wanna get naked. Can you give me that hat? It's like the reverse of naked, but better." (The hat is a Khazakstani border patrol hat from 1993. So imagine a man in his shorts wearing such a thing.)

Me: "How do you spell, "Khazakstani?"
(Dorian and Jim drunkenly shout out letters.)
Me: "K-H-A-Z-A-K--"
Dorian: "Just type some country you can't pronounce, it doesn't matter."

"You can never write down anything I say! My words are words of POWER. They are KILL WORDS."

Dorian: "You are the reason the president can not spread his message of hope and change across the nation."
Me: "Because I wouldn't let Jim use my Facebook to--"
Dorian: "YES! Fox News came to the future, saw it wasn't worth it, and said FUCK IT! (Dorian distracts himself with the mention of Fox News, rambles angrily for a while)..."
Jim: "This is running a little long. You're like three Mitt Romneys bolted together, hitting on a confused Afghan woman. It's awkward, and sad."

Dorian: "Your mustache interrupts your dick!"

Dorian: "No, no, what I'm saying is, Plato didn't have balls, he'd have nuts."
Jim: "In the words of Plato: Deese nuts."

Dorian: "Buddhism makes sense. It's a lot like bi-chromosomal shift."

Jim: "I need to either get much more sober or much drunker. I'm not sure which one."
Dorian: "I vote whichever one makes you stop talking like an idiot."
Jim: "Could go either way, really."

Dorian: "It can't be Crystal Pepsi. You know how I know? Because Crystal Pepsi was only produced during one year directly from the anus of Satan."

Dorian: "To summarize, Adom: German is a racist language, their economy isn't stable thanks to the Greeks--those fuckers--and something about my penis."

"The Jews would be out there, apparently conquering the world via the Allmighty Dollar. Which is bullshit, really, because...we're too nice! What's the German word for 'sandwich?'"

Dorian: "ADOM! Call Tater, make him take us to IHOP!"
Me: "No."
Dorian: "ADOM!"
Me: "You call Tater."
Dorian: "I don't think I should operate electronics right now. Because...I know I'm sideways? But from my perspective, nothing's changed."
Jim: "Get him a phone! WAIT. I have a phone!"
(The two drunkenly discuss the Arabic language, then Dorian calls Tater on Jim's phone.)
Dorian: "Wait, what time is it?...I am so sorry! Were you asleep?...Wanna do us a favor? We may or may not have had an alcohol..."
Jim: "Ask him about his relationship with deese nuts!"
Dorian: "So Jim's offering to buy us a sandwich, wanna take us to IHOP?"
Jim: "(The end of a monolouge he was making while Dorian was on the phone that I missed) ...So I guess she's not into sex now. Ever."
Dorian: "Yeah. Yeah. We all have to get dressed again." (Dorian falls off the couch.)
Jim: "What's in the BOOOOOX?!"
Dorian: "Did you know that whatever direction you're facing...gravity works the same way?"

Dorian: "I like waffles. I am fucking Mexican as shit!"

Dorian: "Akhim is like the Rick Astley of cats. Under appreciated in his time, and the full power of his awesomeness will not be felt until generations from now."

Jim: "I'm pretty sure chimpanzees would love the shit outta crystal meth."

Me: "...Dorian, Jim's drunk and doing faith healings on our cat."