Festive Aneurisms

Overheard while Dorian and Jim played Black Ops 2:

Jim: "AHH! Fuck me in the butt!"
Dorian: "No, thank you."
Jim: "That was a rhetorical 'fuck me in the butt.'"

(I'm not a fan of first person shooter games, so I'm sure this makes more sense to someone who's actually played Black Ops.)
Jim: "It's probably better on softcore, but this is still pretty good."
Dorian: "No, there's not much difference. But there is no dick in softcore. Or penetration."

Jim: "OLE!...Dammit."
Dorian: "Sorry, you walked in front of me."
Jim: "Was that you who shot me?"
Dorian: "You walked in front of me."
Jim. "Sorry, I was matadoring."
Dorian: "Matadoring?"
Jim: "That's what I call fighting guys with shields."
Dorian: "Oh, that's pretty clever."
Jim: "That's why I was shouting 'Ole!' a lot the other night."
Dorian: "Ah, I just thought you were having a fit of some kind."
Jim: "Festive aneurisms!"

Jim: "I fight like I'm from the streets."
Dorian: "Jim, you are not 'from the streets,' you are white."
Jim: "I know...I fight like my dick. Hard, and accurate."
Dorian: "Accurate?"
Jim: "You know, that's what's important to women. Precision."

Dorian: "I'm like the Val Kilmer of this game, except I don't suck."
Jim: "I'm like the John Wayne of this game. Awkward."

(Dorian goes into the kitchen by himself. Jim and I hear him murmuring conversationally.)
Jim: "What is going on in there?"
Me: "I don't know. I'm trying to figure out if he's talking to someone, or not."
Jim: "I think I've established I'm the guy who talks to himself."
Me: "Dorian, you're muscling in on Jim's territory, stop that!"
Dorian, slightly louder: "...Deliberately, he ignored both of them..."
Jim: "He's self-narrating!"

Jim: "GodDAMMIT, these pistols are amazing!"
Dorian: "That's what she said?"
Jim: "No, my sentence structure was totally inappropriate."

Dorian: "I'm keeping it real, son."
Jim: "Oh, YOU'RE keeping it real?"
Dorian, as his character gets shot in the back: "...It's really all I can do."

Jim: "What's it called when you print and make your own money?"
Dorian: "Counterfieting."
Jim: "I wonder if those guys tip well."