Pillow Talk

Why yes, we are still alive!

"Adom. Knock, knock."
"Ugh?"
"Knock, knock."
"Who's...who's there?"
"Ostrich."
"Ostrich, who?"
"Ostrich pistachios!" (Giggles)
(I raise an eyebrow at the non sequitor, and close my eyes again after a moment.)
"Knock, knock."
"Ugh, no." (With this, I roll over and try to go back to sleep.)
"Knock, knock...Adom! Adom!"
"Uh?"
"Knock, knock."
(Annoyed, and a bit too loudly) "Ugh, who's there?!"
(Dorian wakes up) "Hnuh? Adom, stop it."
"Stop what?"
"Telling knock knock jokes. You woke me up."

"Adom..."
"Yes?"
"Your boobs smell like pierogi."
(Extremely confused) "Um...I'm sorry?"
"No, it is awesome."

"You're sweet like ant poison."

'Cause I'm baked...not...fried?

"TELL HIM TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT!"

"I am going to sleep. I am walking down the street right now. Just need to sequester the zebras."

(sings) "I love the fishes, 'cause they're so delicious! Gotta go fishin'...now replace 'fish' with 'Adom."

*Akim climbs on top of Dorian, sits*
"Tzar cat, taking all the mustard. Bastard...need it for the sandwich!"

Swarm of Umlauts

"Federal deficit...fuckers."

"Let's go to bed."
"That's what I did."
"No, you're on the couch."
"No, it's got the bear."

"Swarm of...umlauts."

Why haven't I thought of this before?

"Dorian, wake up."
"Muuuh."
"Dorian, wake up."
"Muuuh."
"Dorian, wake up."
"Mmmpf!"
"Dorian, the narwhal is on fire!"
(He sits up) "What? Get him back in the ocean!...Wait, what?"

Must have been some sandwich.

"There's seven...you have seven...it's my sandwich! Okay, you can have a bite, but only because I love you. Colin Powell's secretary has the release forms."

"I have the thing. Hey, look at my butt, it's ready to go!"

"Dorian, c'mon, let's go to bed."
"Okay, let me undo the thing."
"Dorian--"
"I have to undo it!"
(Playing along) "It's already undone."
"No, not the long-legged taxes."


"Why are there only three chocolate cakes? We need at least six more."
"Wanna go to bed?"
"We are in bed."
"Wanna go to bed?"
"All the beds are our beds!"
 "Dorian, can we please go to bed?"
"I told you, I already went to bed, you weren't there, the cat was wearing a burqa, and it was all horrible!"

"C'mon, Dorian."
"Okay, okay. Do you have your phone?"
"Yep."
"Did you pick up the newspaper?"
(We have no newspaper, but I wanted to get him off the couch.) "Yeah."
"Did you remember to empty the cat?"
"Sure."

Hippo

"Did you see that? I kicked him in the nose. I was like, SHAZAM! nose-punch-kick. Six dollar no tax son of a bitch. Cheap bastard."

"Yeah, what you needed to do was...okay, no, it's fine, you got it. Just paint it blue next time like I told you. Dammit, Julio. Doesn't listen, too lazy to use the tungsten. Seventeen kids running around everywhere. This is why we don't hire Catholics!..J-C-T jub jub jub jub jub...Adom...Adom!"
"Wha?"
"It's okay. Jub jub jub jub jub..."
("Jub jub jub" was clearly supposed to be a sound effect for something, but I've no idea what.)

"Did you let the breakfast crowd out already? Dammit, no! It's icy! They'll slip, and the hippo will get them...oh, ha, ha, yeah, laugh off the hippo, he is dangerous! Hippos eat our children! Three kids a week, POOF! It's a wonder we stay in business."

"Someone took my two towels!"
"Uh?"
"Someone took my towels!"
(I toss a bit of blanket over Dorian's upper body.)
"Mmm...towel."

An ex of mine once described me as a "grumpy bluebird."

Dorian and I discuss if I'm "cute."

"You are cute."
"I am not cute."
"You are cuter than a baby's buttocks."
"See, you say these things, yet I still have sex with you."
(My tactic does not work, and he continues teasing me.) "Do a mean face."
"No."
"Make a mean face."
"No."
"Mean face!"
(I mean mug him. He giggles.)
"D'awww...that's less intimidating than three kittens in a basket."

On the subject of this blog:
Dorian: "You know, if you keep this up, there's a chance somebody might contact me to be a comedy writer."
Me: "Is that a bad thing?"
Dorian. "No, I would jump at the chance to really disappoint somebody for a lot of money."