King Pumpkin

(Dorian starts to doze off while eating corn chips)
"Dorian! You're falling asleep with food in your mouth. Stop that."
"Mmf?...I was...contemplating the corn."

Me, trying to get out of bed to feed Akhim: "I love you."
Dorian, rolling over in his sleep and seizing my pants: "I love you, pants demon!"

"They said they had the strobe lights, but I lied. Don't worry, I'll protect you. Tobacco is a local product, it can't be grown in Iceland."

"I'm trying to wake up, but...there's...I'm trying to figure out what's real..."
(Akhim climbs onto Dorian, settles down and sits on Dorian's rear end.)
"...There's a cat on my butt...there's...lidless, upside down Tupperware stretching all the way from me to forever...and I'm looking into the Tupperware and there's all these connections to things and I'm trying to figure out what connections to connections are real and what connections to the Tupperware aren't real and I'm waking up...I guess I don't have three arms...oh, good, the only thing that was real was the cat butt."

* * *

Years and years ago, when I was very young, my family took a trip to Door County during Pumpkinfest. There were pumpkins everywhere, including on fence posts. According to my father, while my mother and I were off doing something, some other person knocked one of these post pumpkins off its perch, and my father (quick reflexes that he has) kicked out at the last second and saved the pumpkin from smashing against the hard concrete below by catching it between his foot and shin, perfectly balanced.

My mother and I still insist we don't believe that this happened.

Anyway, Dorian has heard this story...

"Your dad is sitting on the king pumpkin."
"Okay."
"Great Pumpkin."
"Uh-huh."
"He caught it with his foot."

Bruce Campbell

"Batarangs...juicy, hip-soaked pieces of foam...they don't do any damage...it's not my fault."

"Adom."
"Yes, love?"
"Adom?"
"Yes?"
"I love you. You're very special to me."
"I love you, too."
"No, no, I have to say this, it's important. I love you very much and I'm gonna be with you forever, I promise. I don't care what the Appleton Police Department says, that salad shooter was worth more than sixty bucks."

This bit sounded like he was rapping, but I couldn't make out most of what he said. Sounds like he was talking about the economy? Wouldn't surprise me if that was the case.
"Price depreciation...(mutter mutter) anticipation...(mutter mutter) in-fl-ation...(mutter mutter) imagination..."

"Waitaminute, you're not...you're not a centaur at all! Bullshit."

"Akhim ate a tube of lipstick but he refused to go to the bathroom and lie down."

"It can't be...Bruce Campbell is...traveling to other worlds, and stuff."

"One trick, sweet, is to do three or four sides and then rotate them...See? Very useful. And nice looking."

"If he wants to remain true to his thing...I have bad news, it seems your fucking guys forgot the flint and steel, so they'll have to hang out there and hope for the best."

Random Historical Facts With Dorian

Note: This was said very loudly and clearly, in such a matter-of-fact tone that I thought he was awake.

"That's right! The ancient Egyptians thought that the brain just made mucus."

A Cat Named Bacon

Hello again!

So Dorian and I finally had our legal, official wedding last month (and I'm finally getting around to catching up on this), and I wanted to start off by sharing something from that. We got married out of town, and arrived a day earlier than we had the hotel room reserved. Fortunately, we have lots of friends and family there, and my close-friend-like-a-sister Sascha and her roommate Veronica (who is also a close friend) let us crash at their place for the night.

They have two cats: Sascha's is an enormous gray Maine Coon that may or may not have some bobcat in him named Spike. Veronica's is a shorthair tabby that was a mangy, skinny, flea-infested kitten at adoption. Because of the cat's appearance back then, Veronica named her "Bacon." (Bacon is a very healthy looking, slightly round, cat now.)

So Bacon woke up in the morning around six. I woke up around six thirty. Dorian was still sleeping at seven. I'm not sure what Bacon thought of the two people lying out on the futon in the living room, but she apparently wanted us up, and so shuffled over next to the futon and  began meowing loudly. This was just enough to rouse Dorian, but not wake him up.

He rolled over, pointed an accusing finger at Bacon, and, his fingertip an inch away from Bacon's nose, shouted, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, DO YOU?"

This stunned Bacon into confused silence. Dorian grunted in satisfaction, and began to snore contentedly again.

And now for quotes that don't require context:

"Sweetie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make everyone gay narwhals."

"Coconuts. Coconut jam. Stick that up the calibrator. Boom!"

"Did everyone feed the giraffes? Are they still in their cage?...Oh, good, they can't come in...ceiling's too low."

Dorian: "Adom."
Me: "Mmmf."
Dorian: "We need to get more expendible friends. We're running out."
Me: 0.o

(Said in a cool, matter-of-fact tone) "There are scorpions dancing on my face. Please remove them."

"I didn't know about the orangutangs!"

Dorian: "Adom."
Me: "Uh?"
Dorian: "Adom."
Me: "What?"
Dorian: (Beatboxes, squirms rhythmically.)

Ganondorf

"Would you say that there is a brown tie...floating in water?"

"For your cake, you should make a nativity scene with Mary and Joseph and the three wise men all holding forks and knives."

"Don't believe in him...just don't...he's not Ganondorf...Ganondorf...Dannongorf..."

"Um. Why don't you have it on the shuffleboard court? Hmm?"
"Uh...it's raining."
"Ah. Hmm. Handjobs it is."

Lemon Pepper Jelly

Sometimes, when Dorian sleep talks, it seems his (considerable) vocabulary is set on "word salad." Tonight, as he fell asleep on the couch, was one of those times.

Dorian: "I got them to stop using the two liters. Now they're using parts of some guy named Logan.  The kids were...nonplussed...lunar...you don't have to be surprised when we get home...Adom, I figured it out...how you can be robust in public...pay taxes to the black guy...he took all the cashews. I'd do the same, come to think of it...Lemon pepper...jelly...Morocco...Adom, don't, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not done. Don't listen to that fool, Adom! Gamestop is bad, no free tacos...ever. When you're out on the bridge with your friend, you don't turn on the weather, right? No good. Not nearly enough tartar sauce...Got to let 'em tie it. Does the name Lord Dunsany mean anything to you?...Dun-saney. Lovecraft read Dun-saney. That's where that name comes from. Ok, mystery solved. I can have a bit of wine, now..."
(He stirs and realizes he's fallen asleep on the couch.)
Dorian: "I think I'll go to bed, now..."
(He drifts off again, and startles awake, alarmed, a moment later.)
Dorian: "Uh! Do we have figs?"
Me: "Um, no."
Dorian: "Ok, then, I'll just go to bed."
(He falls asleep again, and the song on my early music Pandora station changes. He awakens again, startled.)
Me: "You okay, sweetie?"
Dorian: "Yeah, fuck flutes, dude. This flute song is incongruous with my idea of a brat."

What?

"I'm thinking about chickens with...math things."

"Sweetie...Adom..."
"Yes, love?"
"...Bananimals."