Doranosaurus Rex

"Want to go to the store with me and Jim?"
"No, I don't think Jim and I should run hoover helicopters together. I just have a bad feeling that...even as an adult, Gummi Bears never made sense to me."

"It's either that, or I'm a dinosaur."

"I know where unicorns and dragons come from. There's a star cluster in the Milky Way. And I also learned how to defeat Slenderman, through the power of Nate's dad is a badass. He really needs to stop telling me what to do, though. I will not take a nap!"







"Adom! Mary is eating squirrels! Stop her!"
(He claims he said, "Skittles," referring to the school program he works in that doesn't allow candy to be consumed during program, but I know what I heard.)

"The problem with Data is that the King Midas pillow isn't in him."

Let Slip the Dogs of War

"You must not retreat, retreating is for the weak. Seventy three out of seventy nine golden retrievers retreat in the first week of battle. If you want to win the war, you need the good stuff. That's why I support the use of dalmatians."

"Adom!"
"Yes, love?"
"Are we still married?"
"Yes, love."
"Good. Oh, snap, I'm storing the three little pigs in the trunk of the car in storage. Just FYI."

"You gotta make sure the old people have a house, too. Everyone needs a house. Did you find the information on the caterpillars you were looking for? It's for the house."

I...I think the cat just told you to fuck off.

Today, Dorian and I are home sick after eating some depraved chili.

Me, at the computer, sipping Pepto-Bismol like a martini.
Dorian, in the bathroom.
Akhim, at the bathroom door, wanting to get in (presumably to use his catbox).

Akhim: "Meow. Mew. Mew. Meeeooorr. Meee-owrrr. Arrowww. Rowr. Rowr. ROWR. ROWRRR. ARRROWRRR."
Dorian, muffled through door of bathroom: "Stop it."
Akhim: "Fffuuuuuurrrowwwwrrfff!"

(We did let Akhim in to do his business.)

* * *

"The wheat farm with the blue thing. Nope, can’t do it. Seven bowls and a half. All three with a moon."

"Who’s in charge? Don’t let him stop."

"I don’t know why, but you have to, and they’re seventeen different, and I don’t know why, but you have to…zzzzz…"

"The fishing net was the first thing I saw of an Avatar thing. They firebend and caught the queso in it. Too bad there were no druids. But then they got the druids and there were flaming swords. Cheetos."

And he is still not a Nazi

"There are people on the roof!"

Dorian: "Adom, we have a problem."
Me: "What's that, love?"
Dorian: "It's...it's my arm."
Me: "What's wrong?"
Dorian: "The man. It's the man. He...my arm...KAPLOW!" (Dorian drives his elbow outward, jamming it into my eye.)
Me: "OW! Jesus fuck!"
Dorian: "Got 'im."

"Have you seen my d20? I think the rabbit hid it in the percolator. Tell Roger to get the gun."

"Where's the cat? Honey, where's the cat? You didn't let him outside, did you? We live on the second floor!"
"He's fine. He's standing on you."
"Well tell him to get a job!"

 A quick moment to talk about Akhim.

We brought Akhim home July of last year. He was twenty something then. At the time, he was a very old, old cat, who had been living in a house with another cat, three dogs, and smokers, so it was not surprising that he spent most of his day sleeping and moved very slowly. The intention upon bringing him home was to give him a place where he could comfortably, quietly, pass away.

This is a picture of Akhim the day we brought him home:

Photo courtesy of our roommate, Matt

By now, you may be thinking this is a memorial post, or a "my kitty is dying" message. It is not. Because in the last year, I've become convinced the cat is aging backwards and should have been named Merlin.

This is a much more recent picture of Akhim:

Photo also courtesy of our roommate, Matt

He's put on weight, he grooms himself, he climbs on things, he tears across the apartment chasing things only he can see, he turns the faucet on, he sits on character sheets during gaming, he plays with Tootsie Pops (inexplicably, his favorite toy), he wakes us up in the morning by brushing his tail across my face and sitting on Dorian's, he steals food he has no business eating (pizza, lemon cookies, saltines, and anything involving fried potatoes), mingles at parties, tolerates grabby babies, demands cuddles, and--when we're sad--he mimics what he sees when Dorian and I kiss by tilting his head and bopping his nose to ours multiple times.

He wakes us up when the alarm goes off, but lets us sleep in on the weekends, he greets anyone who enters the apartment as a friend, he demonstrates he understands some English. When he wants your attention, he taps you on the shoulder.

I didn't like cats before Akhim. I'm allergic, I grew up around dogs, and most cats I'd been introduced to were generally jerks. It was a while before I stopped insisting that I liked Akhim, and since I liked him, clearly he was a phouka, not a cat.

But I'm pretty sure that objective studies would conclude that Akhim is the best cat to ever exist. Our cat is awesome.

Photo by Matt. I'm not sure why Akhim is so reflective in this. He doesn't look like that, and the photo on my machine doesn't look like that, either, but the upload's colors are much less saturated. Ah well, it's a cute photo.

King Pumpkin

(Dorian starts to doze off while eating corn chips)
"Dorian! You're falling asleep with food in your mouth. Stop that."
"Mmf?...I was...contemplating the corn."

Me, trying to get out of bed to feed Akhim: "I love you."
Dorian, rolling over in his sleep and seizing my pants: "I love you, pants demon!"

"They said they had the strobe lights, but I lied. Don't worry, I'll protect you. Tobacco is a local product, it can't be grown in Iceland."

"I'm trying to wake up, but...there's...I'm trying to figure out what's real..."
(Akhim climbs onto Dorian, settles down and sits on Dorian's rear end.)
"...There's a cat on my butt...there's...lidless, upside down Tupperware stretching all the way from me to forever...and I'm looking into the Tupperware and there's all these connections to things and I'm trying to figure out what connections to connections are real and what connections to the Tupperware aren't real and I'm waking up...I guess I don't have three arms...oh, good, the only thing that was real was the cat butt."

* * *

Years and years ago, when I was very young, my family took a trip to Door County during Pumpkinfest. There were pumpkins everywhere, including on fence posts. According to my father, while my mother and I were off doing something, some other person knocked one of these post pumpkins off its perch, and my father (quick reflexes that he has) kicked out at the last second and saved the pumpkin from smashing against the hard concrete below by catching it between his foot and shin, perfectly balanced.

My mother and I still insist we don't believe that this happened.

Anyway, Dorian has heard this story...

"Your dad is sitting on the king pumpkin."
"Okay."
"Great Pumpkin."
"Uh-huh."
"He caught it with his foot."

Bruce Campbell

"Batarangs...juicy, hip-soaked pieces of foam...they don't do any damage...it's not my fault."

"Adom."
"Yes, love?"
"Adom?"
"Yes?"
"I love you. You're very special to me."
"I love you, too."
"No, no, I have to say this, it's important. I love you very much and I'm gonna be with you forever, I promise. I don't care what the Appleton Police Department says, that salad shooter was worth more than sixty bucks."

This bit sounded like he was rapping, but I couldn't make out most of what he said. Sounds like he was talking about the economy? Wouldn't surprise me if that was the case.
"Price depreciation...(mutter mutter) anticipation...(mutter mutter) in-fl-ation...(mutter mutter) imagination..."

"Waitaminute, you're not...you're not a centaur at all! Bullshit."

"Akhim ate a tube of lipstick but he refused to go to the bathroom and lie down."

"It can't be...Bruce Campbell is...traveling to other worlds, and stuff."

"One trick, sweet, is to do three or four sides and then rotate them...See? Very useful. And nice looking."

"If he wants to remain true to his thing...I have bad news, it seems your fucking guys forgot the flint and steel, so they'll have to hang out there and hope for the best."

Random Historical Facts With Dorian

Note: This was said very loudly and clearly, in such a matter-of-fact tone that I thought he was awake.

"That's right! The ancient Egyptians thought that the brain just made mucus."