Friday, December 28, 2012

Out of Tin

"Ah! No!"
"We ran out of tin and it was bad."
"Why did we need tin?"
"To make the bucket for the bass...and me."

"We're gonna need, like, six more monkeys for the drums."

(I roll over to grab the notebook)
"Don't forget the box of handjobs!"

"I'll stop talking about the machines, now, they're bad...eventually, all the mostacholi starts becoming self-aware."

"We're out of pastrami! You said we were out of pastrami, but I said it was ham. And about one third of what you're saying is in my head. I'm sorry."
"It's ok, you're asleep."
"Not asleep, I'm always awake for you. It's just the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers who are sleeping."

"We can't feed the ducks, 'cause the food is toxic, too."

"Adom, by the way, did you remember the box of handjobs? I'll have one."

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Pillow of Choice

"Of course, we'll need your dad and Matt to make sure the peanut butter marshmallow pretzel trees grow in the marzipan."

3:30 AM:
"Zzzzz...(seizes my pillow, pulls the pillowcase away) YOU ARE NOT CHRISTOPHER WALKEN!"

Saturday, December 22, 2012


"Oh, no, ten bucks? That's serious. Look in the address book, it'll be in there...put the block there, it's can keep the Burger King crown...And now, wherever you put the crown, that's where it shall be...(sings) Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide...Not now, Adom, I'm driving!"

Monday, December 17, 2012

Speaking in Tongues

Dorian fell asleep on the couch.

"Hey, sweetie, wanna go to bed?"
(Moments pass)
"I'm sorry! Ok, let's go..."
(More moments pass)
"I'm not done loading the pasta yet!...Don't forget to use the butter making machine!"
"Okay, I won't. Dorian--"
"Don't toast me!"


(Phonetic spellings. He thinks he may have been saying something about the sofa.)
"Why don't you wander laun, on sophit loy ojin?"

Sunday, December 16, 2012


"We should be nicer to Matt. It's not his fault the Polaroids of the baby hedgehogs didn't develop."

(In Dagorhir, both Jari and myself play dwarves.)
"Jari! Jari!"
"Get Jari!"
"...Why get Jari?"
"He has all the tomatoes. You dwarves always hog the tomatoes. can't slice a tomato with an axe. Too slippery."

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Pea Shooter

"(Long, sexually graphic monologue that will not appear here)...I love you. I'm being romantic and sincere. That's why I have the parachute."

"Take the pea...put it in the barrel...tamp it down...pew, pew! I need a new musket."

"There are no elephants!"