Friday, December 28, 2012

Out of Tin

"Ah! No!"
"We ran out of tin and it was bad."
"Why did we need tin?"
"To make the bucket for the bass...and me."

"We're gonna need, like, six more monkeys for the drums."

(I roll over to grab the notebook)
"Don't forget the box of handjobs!"

"I'll stop talking about the machines, now, they're bad...eventually, all the mostacholi starts becoming self-aware."

"We're out of pastrami! You said we were out of pastrami, but I said it was ham. And about one third of what you're saying is in my head. I'm sorry."
"It's ok, you're asleep."
"Not asleep, I'm always awake for you. It's just the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers who are sleeping."

"We can't feed the ducks, 'cause the food is toxic, too."

"Adom, by the way, did you remember the box of handjobs? I'll have one."

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Pillow of Choice

"Of course, we'll need your dad and Matt to make sure the peanut butter marshmallow pretzel trees grow in the marzipan."

3:30 AM:
"Zzzzz...(seizes my pillow, pulls the pillowcase away) YOU ARE NOT CHRISTOPHER WALKEN!"

Saturday, December 22, 2012


"Oh, no, ten bucks? That's serious. Look in the address book, it'll be in there...put the block there, it's can keep the Burger King crown...And now, wherever you put the crown, that's where it shall be...(sings) Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide...Not now, Adom, I'm driving!"

Monday, December 17, 2012

Speaking in Tongues

Dorian fell asleep on the couch.

"Hey, sweetie, wanna go to bed?"
(Moments pass)
"I'm sorry! Ok, let's go..."
(More moments pass)
"I'm not done loading the pasta yet!...Don't forget to use the butter making machine!"
"Okay, I won't. Dorian--"
"Don't toast me!"


(Phonetic spellings. He thinks he may have been saying something about the sofa.)
"Why don't you wander laun, on sophit loy ojin?"

Sunday, December 16, 2012


"We should be nicer to Matt. It's not his fault the Polaroids of the baby hedgehogs didn't develop."

(In Dagorhir, both Jari and myself play dwarves.)
"Jari! Jari!"
"Get Jari!"
"...Why get Jari?"
"He has all the tomatoes. You dwarves always hog the tomatoes. can't slice a tomato with an axe. Too slippery."

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Pea Shooter

"(Long, sexually graphic monologue that will not appear here)...I love you. I'm being romantic and sincere. That's why I have the parachute."

"Take the pea...put it in the barrel...tamp it down...pew, pew! I need a new musket."

"There are no elephants!"

Thursday, November 29, 2012

He loves the cat, really.

"Stop sitting on the cookies!"

(Akhim, cuddling with him, flicks his tail across Dorian's arm. Dorian stops snoring, flinches.)
"You are worse than seven Hitlers, cat."

Saturday, November 24, 2012


I don't know what Dorian was dreaming about last night, but he spent fifteen minutes yelling in Russian at some guy named Lars.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Mashed Potatoes and Unicorn Kisses

As we lay in bed Thanksgiving night, Dorian fell asleep midconversation...

Me: "I love you."
Dorian: "I love you."
Me: "You smell like turkey."
Dorian: "You smell like mashed potatoes...and unicorns."
Me: "What?"
Dorian: "Unicorns..." (He opens his mouth wide and rests his upper lip on my nose, with his lower lip on my lower lip, like a muzzle.)
Me, into his mouth: "...What the hell."
Dorian (mouth still open): "Oonihurns." (He closes his mouth.) "That's how they kiss. It keeps the horn out of the way."

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Box of Wisconsin

"Tell the flamingo dance party to shut up. Shut up. Gonna eat them for Thanksgiving...too stringy...I got you the thing. Adom, I got you the thing."
"Oh, thank you. What is it?"
"It's the Box of Wisconsin. You need it 'cause you're special."
"Thank you, sweetie."
"I wasn't too far. Take the box. I got you the box."
"Thanks, love. You did a good job. But it's time to wake up, we've got to start cooking."
"No, I am awake. I got you the Box of Wisconsin. Feel special."
"You're dreaming, love."
"Awake. Got you the box. Was hard."
"I know, and you did a fantastic job. I really love it. Like I love you. But you gotta wake up."
"Am awake. Eating the turkey."
"Sweetie--" (I realize at this point that I need to sneeze. I roll to the side and release what is possibly the loudest sneeze I've ever had.) "ACHOOO!"
(Dorian wakes up.) "What in the hell just happened?"

He determined that the Box of Wisconsin is, apparently, coated in pepper.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, from me and Dorian!

Sunday, November 11, 2012


It's worth mentioning this post is unusually unsafe for work. Once again, Dorian gives the ok before anything gets published here.

Our group makes up food-related holidays and then throws parties. Yesterday, we celebrated Bacoween (in which everyone makes something involving bacon and then we have a big dinner. For the vegetarians, we also celebrate All Hummus Eve.).

Mort brought over some kind of bacon maple donut ale. I didn't taste it, because I don't like beer in general, and the idea of combining the flavors maple, bacon, donut, and sour liquid bread did not appeal to me at all.
Nor did the wheat beer Mort brought.

Not so with Dorian. He had some. And some schnapps.

"I always do just the tip. It's funny, 'cause it's a Nascar joke."

"So the Jews walk into a bar and just buy the joint. 'Cause we own the world, yo!...Seriously, I've never seen a dime of that money."

"I hate Justin Beiber. He's like the antichrist wrapped up in Ramero."

(Tater had a piece of duct tape stuck to his shirt.)
"What the hell is with this nipple tape? I'm taking it!"

(To Tater)
"Did you catch that? I said your penis must be quantifiably quantifiable to be verified! That means it's very small, smaller than quarks! I'm thinking thatTater's penis is like god, if it's there, it's insignificant!"

(After saying ow, and being asked if he's okay)
"Martin Luther King Day, when is it?"
"Okay, I'm good, then. It's all good."

"Picture me in Link's costume, except instead of the top, it has a bikini, and instead of a bikini top, it's pasties."

Me: "Do you really want to have a conversation with my parents about getting your fist stuck in your ex-girlfriend's...whatever?"
Dorian: "No, I'm saying, that's what makes it awkward."
Tater: "His Christmas present: Lube."
Dorian: "Lube, fuck that, you'd need axel grease, and a...a...(makes a confusing, completely indecipherable gesture with both hands)...uh...tow truck."

Dorian: "Alexander the Great conquered Macedonia and Asia Minor by the time he was twenty-seven. What are you doing with your life?"
Tater: "Sam knows where the weather machine is."
Dorian: "A billows attached to a heat lamp does not make a weather machine."

And then he fell asleep on the couch.

"Your face is gullible like the Indian Ocean."

"I'm going to set you all ON FIRE!"

"There's a Wockit in My's the Fifty Shades of Grey of Doctor Seuss."

"Fuck 'em, fuck 'em, fuck 'em, fuck 'em, shut up, Tater...the llama said that peace is in the heart of every man...fuckin', fuckin', fuckin' shit fuck."

Saturday, November 10, 2012

He was Hungary

"Tell Beowulf to put the waffles back on the table. Damn, I'm hungry. He thinks just because he's a Dane he can have my Danish."
"Beowulf's not a Dane."
"Hamlet, then, whatever. Mm. Omelet."

Cool Whip

"Did you talk to him about it? You two should talk. Then, maybe we can get this issue resolved. And then we can all share the brownies. Hmm. Brownies. Do we have Cool Whip? We do? Mmmm."

Friday, November 9, 2012

Reverse Infared

"What? No, stoppit. Put it back...I don't have any...I love you, Adom, stay black...Your pillows are colder!"
(Rolls over, seizes my pillows.)
"I'm like a backwards snake. I use reverse infared to find cold spots, and then, I'm all 'Sssss...mine.'"
(Moments pass as I scribble in the notebook.)
"...It's rude of me to take your pillows..."
(Rolls back, relinquishing my half of the bed.)
"Stop writing so loud, it's making me dream of camels...alpaca took all our yogurt."

Monday, October 29, 2012

Senatorial Kittens: The Musical!

Me: "I love you, Dorian."
Dorian: "I love you, Adom."
Me: "Good night."
Dorian: "Good night."
(Several minutes of silence as we fall asleep. As I start to drift off...)
Dorian: "...Like a G6!"
Me: "Hunh?"
Dorian: "Whuh?"
Me: "You awake?"
Dorian: "...Zzzz..."
Me: *Closes eyes to go back to sleep*
Dorian, minutes later: "Like a G6, like a G6...blizzard...zzz..."
Me: o_O
Dorian: "Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle...zzz...CHOC-late RAIN, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, CHOC-late RAIN, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, CHOC-late RAIN..."

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Cyndi Lauper

(Finally) catching up:

"...Yeah, well, at least it's way better than Quidditch."

"No, Jim, ecoterrorism is not a can't put chocolate syrup on all the leaves."

(Asleep, on the couch, while the rest of us play Settlers of Catan. Someone mentions they have sheep.)

"Zzz...Tony Danza is a cunt!"

"I should be full of shame right now, but I just have the giggles. My piss smells like cupcakes. We're good."

"Nothing's more stimulating than falling into a goddamn punji pit."

"Seventeen Sanchos, duct taped together...playing billiards."

"Don't tell the duck! We have to make it go!"

Dorian: "Someone's beeping you."
Me: "I heard."
"I think it's Cyndi Lauper."
"Because I want a sandwich."
"Do you want me to make you a sandwich?"
"...Do I exist?"
"Then yes...I'm sorry the potatoes look so scary. It's because I had to carve them...Tell the goat to shut up."

Monday, October 22, 2012

The Sound of Confusion

"It's like the extender where you put six to forty inches on your penis, but when you get close to it, it looks fake. That's why we're sticking to the picture. Agreed?"
"Right. Because then you can take it to the chameleon and the ostrich and they can get it tested. But be careful, they don't like singing. And you can't tell Adom because he doesn't want to pick Edelweiss in the mountains 'cause it's too cold there..too many nuns...zzz...WAIT! Don't go with them, they're bad."
"Ok, I won't go."
"They have banjos."

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The Loach

I've been making notes on Dorian's antics, but haven't gotten around to posting them, for some reason. My apologies. I'll make a point of catching up with my notebook before the weekend.

"I got to talk to Mort today about where chapels and unicorns come from. I like to educate, it was nice, but there were all the buttery ducks. Twelve of them, ducks everywhere. And I couldn't get them past the gatehouse...Now I want kiwis. All the kiwis in the world."

"If you've got it, then you can go. Nope. No, turn around, go back again. Do it again. Turn around...Ok, now you can go. But sign the document first. Here. And here. And here, on the dotted line. Ok, now you can go."

Me: "Sweetie, I need some water and I'm having a hard time sleeping. I'm going to get up for a little while."
Dorian: "Ok. Bring the loach."
Me: "The what?"
Dorian: "Bring the loach with you."

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Butter Gloves

"You should check out the video I made, it's pretty good...Unless I didn't make it, then it's not...Also, I'm pretty sure I got drunk before the end, you know. And there's no editing. I wish there was."

"Need to bring gloves. Do you have gloves?"
"Need them to melt the butter. My own wand works, too. I don't understand the usage of that word."

"Do you know whether or not you can use things on a discount? Hmm, I thought they were free."

"All those who voted are accounted for!"

Friday, October 5, 2012

Concerning Pants

Dorian, Jim, Matt, and myself were watching Doctor Who and Dorian fell asleep.

"Zzzz...zzz...zzz...Rassilon's a dick!...zzz...zzz..."

"Sweetie, time for you to go to bed."
"I did."
"No, you're on the couch."
"Nope, in bed. Proof." (Grabs my forehead) "Rabbit ears."
"Sweetie, c'mon--"
(Pokes my forehead repeatedly.) "Mute button...mute button."

"Change the channel! Why is he so ugly?!" (Pokes my face again.)

"You're not in bed, love. You're on the couch."
"Nope. Pants."
"Exactly. Do you ever wear your pants to bed?"
"Hmm. Nope."
(Dorian begins taking off his pants. Alarmed, Matt launches himself to the other side of the couch.)

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Inglorious Bast

Dorian: "What is it in the it bad?, just put some dirt on it...yeah, that's it, it'll be fine...hahahaha! Lousy Jews."
Me: "...I love you."
Dorian: "Hey, you, got him. (Gasps, sits bolt upright, tackles me) ADOM! Let's go to bed!"
Me: "Uh...ok."
Dorian: "Ok...ok...zzzzz...(gasps again in surprise, semi-wakes) Hey, you! How'd you get here?"
Me: "Uh, well, you said something about 'lousy Jews,' and then pounced on me."
Dorian: "No lousy Jews. Good Jews. Killing Nazis."
Me: "Ok."
Dorian: "Zzzz...I've learned things, in my dreams."
Me: "Oh?"
Dorian: "Nazis don't like punji sticks. Or being punched in the face."
Me: "O...k..."
(Akhim wanders over to see what is going on. He hops onto Dorian's lap, and Dorian seizes the cat and pulls him into the embrace.)
Dorian, to Akhim: "You're cuddling now."
(Akhim tolerates this for a moment or two, then tries to squirm away.)
Dorian: "Nope! Cuddling!"
 (Dorian falls back into the couch, still holding Akhim, who begins whipping his tail furiously in irritation and periodically trying to wiggle free.)
Dorian: "Nope...noooope...stoppit. Ow, you bit me. Goway. Nazi cat."

Saturday, September 29, 2012


"That cat's a dick. We were cuddling, and suddenly, he was all like, 'no, I'm done, I don't want to be here!' and I was like, 'Coldplay.'"

"I'm like the goddamn Liberace of campaign finance reform."

"Fuckin' right, I love Wisconsin! It's the greatest union in the goddamn state!"

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Secret Mackerel

"Nnno, we're not aliens...That's fine, it happens."

"Akhim, go make me some coffee. Go! Go! It's easy, you just put water in it and BAM! You're done, you don't even need opposible thumbs for like, thirty five percent of the work. Just go! Go! Lazy jobless fucker cat! Go! Make me coffee, Akhim!"
(Rolls over, scoops Akhim off the bed, and launches him toward the door.) "Go! Make me coffee! I'm depending on you, you lazy asshole! Get a job!" (Akhim lands safely, wanders out of the room, tail flicking.) "See, there he goes. He's going, right? Yeah. Making me coffee."
"Dorian, wake up, you just threw the cat."
"Unh?...Whuh?...Does Akhim have a job, yet?"
"Did he make me coffee?"
"Well, damn."

(Dorian takes his phone, places it upside-down on his forehead, and falls asleep. I try to take the phone, he groans in objection and swats my hand away.)
"Leave it! I'm calling Jim! You've got to start doing it, too."

"Is Jim coming over?"
"No, love, you're not feeling well and you need sleep. Also, he works at eleven."
"Jim's not a newscaster."

"Oppa Juarez style!"

"You know what we should do get buy when we have stuff, Adom?"
"Mackerel...mackerellll...then we could...I could cook the mackerel. It would be delicioussss...we could have mackerel. I love mackerel. It's so good. I love mackerel so much. Promise me, when we have money, we'll buy some mackerel?"
"Sure, I promise...I am so putting this on Senatorial Kittens."
"Nnnnoooo! You can't tell anyone. Not about the mackerel. 'Cause then they'll knooowww. This has to be our secret mackerel."
(Laughing) "Okay."
"Nooo! Promise. Promise with the fingers and the stuff that when we have the stuff you won't tell anyone about our secret mackerel."
"I...I promise."
"Secret mackerel."
"Secret mackerel!"
"Secret mackerel."
"Ok...ok...I want it kippered."

(I ran this by Dorian before posting it, obviously, so I'm nor breaking our Secret Mackerel Vow.)

Monday, September 24, 2012


Dorian: "Did I make breakfast, or did I dream that?"
Me: "You dreamt it."
Dorian, falling back to sleep: "Noo...why do I always do that to myself...but I don't think that's right..."
Taking the hint, I go and make oatmeal.* A few minutes later:
Me: "Did you still want breakfast?"
Dorian: "Yes."
Me: "Well, then sit up. I made you breakfast."
Dorian: "But I did. I made biscuits and sausages with gravy."
Me, quoting Doctor Who, and commenting on the state of our larder: "But where did the eggs and milk come from?"
Dorian: "We had them...(whispers) The rest I made up."

* I still hate oatmeal, but it's what we've got. Dorian commented, "The breakfast I made in my dream was slightly more exciting than oatmeal. But this is still good."

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Sand Fart

"Seven hours in a suit shop, boring as hell. But you guys think it's hilarious because all you hear is 'sand fart.'"

(Disappointed sigh.) "I have never been so sad to wake up without a tricycle."

Me: "You called me a Nazi!":
Dorian: "No, I didn't. That was Tony. SUPLEX!"
(Rolls over, drives his elbow into my pillow.)

Friday, September 7, 2012


"C'mon, Dorian, let's go to bed."
"I already did seven times! And you keep doing the stuff with the thing that I hate and tell the fish to turn the light off!"

"I'm doing."
"I did!"

"I'm going. Bedstapo."

And then he bolted from the couch, waving his arms. "I'm going! Ok! Go!"

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Tuesday, September 4, 2012


"(Something in Russian)...Tell him to take the queso and chiles and (something in Spanish)...Yeah!"

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Fevers make him speak nonsense

Dorian and I are both coming down with some kind of creeping crud. The fever hit Dorian this evening. He's sleeping on the couch with a cool cloth on his forehead, but earlier...

Me: "C'mon, pumpkin, let's get some fluids in you."
Dorian: "Aaah! Noooo..."
Me: "What? What's wrong?"
Dorian: "You called me, 'pumpkin.' In my culture, that means I'm going to die."

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Concerning Facebook and Time Lords

Our friend Mort makes his own beer. After a day of drinking very little water and skipping meals, Dorian availed himself of Mort's beer. Several times.

I give you the results.

“There is a difference between drunken ramblings and prophecy. Drunken ramblings does not change your life. Everything I say is like prophecy.”

“Anal beads are nothing to be afraid of. They stay in the ground when you leave ‘em.”

To Jim:
“There will need to be an emancipation proclamation for the amount of ass kicking I will bring on you.”

On whether he could walk to the nearest gas station:
“I know the way. It’s straight and then it kinda goes, woo!

“It’s like the civil rights movement. You never know when the right moment to shove a lighter up someone’s nose is, but when it’s right, you know.”

“I am the opposite of the blue stabilizers on the TARDIS. I am not the blue boringers.”

Eden: “The flowers are like cotton candy.”
Dorian: “It gets stuck around your penis really easily and makes it hard to…(he notices us looking at him) What?”

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Girl Tree!”

"I can't believe I'm time traveling! I don't know whose face I am!"
Me: "Okay, sweetheart, let's get you home."
(I put an arm around him to stabilize him. He starts tugging at my shirt.)
Me: "Dorian. Dorian. Dorian!" 
Dorian: "What?"
Me: "You're taking off my clothes. Stop that."
Dorian, laughing: "Oh, sorry. (Whispers, giggling) To be honest, I thought they were my clothes."

So after a few hours of insisting that he is a Time Lord and other drunken nonsense, I drove him home. He sat down on the couch and attempted to post a status update to Facebook.

The status was this:

so it turn seems that no food and litlle not very water an alot of bneer is basically dancing and seinging bnilly idol out of the passegner seat of a car, I dont I actually did prefer the billy ocean "caribeaqn queen" but I i need water

He felt his message was unclear ("Nothing I am thinking is coming out of my fingers! It's like Little House on the Prairie, and I'm the black woman!"), so he elected to post this moments later.

I am sobrest than thent I typed : Not eating food andf havening water not id a bad idea for when you beer, I ended yup-0 singing abilly idol songs and in the p assenger seat, but i prefvered,. as usual the billy ocean. And I concluded that I need perhaps drink some water. See, it was alot more coherent.

Upon reading these posts:
"Oh, no! They're gonna think I'm drunk!"

He drank some water, then fell asleep on the couch.

And then he started talking.

"Hawaii? I'm gonna get that son of a bitch."

"I can't believe you broke a T-ball bat. I can't believe you brought a T-ball bat. Why? I have a machete in the car."

"I have jurisdiction everywhere."

"Akhim, you're the Michael Jordan of cats, you just won't stop being awesome...and you're fuzzy. I LOVE YOU, LITTLE MICHAEL JORDAN. And you're a kitty."

"Oh no! That one's flexible enough to pull it off!...Well, yeah, there's the in the one you've got to."

Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in between, my husband is a madman with a box.

Sunday, August 26, 2012


"Do we have a bat in the house?"
"Ok. Did you order me the Magic 8-ball?"

Thursday, August 23, 2012

There's so much going on here, I don't know where to begin.

"Living with the bagpipes is only necessary when you're going to live. When you're gonna die, it's a whole different thing..."
(Dorian mumbles incoherently for a bit)
"I'm awake!"
(He mumbles again)
"Stay in the TARDIS, they're outside."
(More mumbling)
"Stay in there with the Jewish Mumakill...Adom, don't go outside...
(He wakes himself up.)
"Uh? Were you having a Doctor Who dream?"
Me: "No, you were."
"No, I was in China." (He falls back to sleep) "I am a hero of the revolution...we'll get those Japanese."

Saturday, August 18, 2012


"I'm like a Navy SEAL underwear god. In the Bellagio."

(I sneeze)
"All stem cells were like, directly, "No!" But all the people were like, "Kiss!"

"Hmmph! Cholesterol. Bullshit."

"I'd start in the aquarium. 'Cause that's where it always begins."

"It's not working out as bad as I'd thought. Fish are great for climbing."

"I had my whole adventure for sexy time with you. We climbed mountains...and other stuff I can't remember...we flew a biplane!"

Friday, August 17, 2012

Pallet of Babies

"That's why it's needed to get into the Death Star with the swingset."

"I do not have a pallet of babies, no matter what they say...what?"

"I love you, even though you're not a falconer."

Wednesday, August 15, 2012


" doesn' That's doesn't translate to me at all because one, cornrows look terrible on me. Two, I'm not-I'm not black. Three, because I am way better at Reggae than he will ever be."

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Feline Fluid

Akhim drools a little, sometimes, when he's being petted. Jim found this out the hard way.

"Aaahh! There are fluids coming out of your cat. Fluids."

Nope, that's Aquaman.

"I fought the Hulk."
"Did you win?"

"The first three times....then apparently I cant breathe underwater."

Apparently, I married Nightcrawler.

"I love you, too. That's why I invented teleportation."

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

More kittens!

I keep forgetting to post these. Shanice made more kittens!

I shall be taking her out for ice cream this weekend.

I'm not sure what to make of this one.

Three AM.

Me: "Zzz..."
Dorian: "Zzzz...NO! PUT IT DOWN! DROP IT! DON'T DO IT!"
Me: O_O
Dorian: "No more butterflies here."

Sunday, August 5, 2012

I'll admit, the first one made me nervous.

"Heh, heheh, heh, heh. Bastard."

"Uh-huh. Yeah. So when you gonna be the trash hinge?"

"Wanna go to bed, babe?"
"I already"
"You're on the couch, babe."
"I'm taking a break."

"Wanna go to bed?"
"What, sweet?"
"Wanna go to bed."
"I'm already bedding!"


"Tell Akhim he can't go to the ball game, he's not a real princess."

"You know what's a stupid word? 'Flordinian.'...This is why it's all crunchy...I'm waking up. I'm going to check on the patients, then I'm going to wake up."

Saturday, August 4, 2012


"Tom, did you do that ISO?...I'm...I'm sorry! All of it was Louisiana!"

Hot Elephant Action

I was reading passages from The Beastiary aloud to entertain the group tonight, and Dorian, being Dorian, fell asleep on the couch.

Me: "Hang on, you guys need to hear 'Elephant.'"
(I flip through the pages, looking for the entry. Dorian snores loudly.)
Me: "...Where's 'Elephant?"
Dorian: "It's under, 'P,' for 'Porn.'...Aaah! No, no, no, Sascha! Put it down!"

(My close-friend-like-a-sister is named Sascha.)

Friday, August 3, 2012


"Dorian...let's go to bed."
"You'll need the robots, anyway."
"C'mon, sweetie--"
"Oh, you woke up from your nap? That's good."
(Moments pass.)
"Aztecs." (Dorian starts caressing the arm of the couch.) "You really need to start shaving your legs."
"That's the couch."

Thursday, August 2, 2012


 Dorian had a rough day. Jim came over to cheer him up. Jim brought booze.

You already know where this is going.

Dorian: "Aw, Akhim, you've never been on a drunk person before...this is what we smell like."

Dorian: "Fuckin' pandas need to stay where the whales are."

Dorian: "Ahkim lacks 99% of the things I find attractive. However, he has a complete and total hatred for humanity. That and he purrs."

Dorian: "Look, the point is, regardless of whether or not I am wearing pants, I did something--"
Jim: "I did something once."
Dorian: "Didn't get in the Bible, though. Lazy dick...okay, damn, I can't remember what I was talking about, but it had something to do with badgers or octopi."

Dorian: "I have a penis!"
Me: "Good job."
Dorian: "I'm serious. I want the fact that I have male genitalia out in the public realm."

Dorian: "I really wanna get naked. Can you give me that hat? It's like the reverse of naked, but better." (The hat is a Khazakstani border patrol hat from 1993. So imagine a man in his shorts wearing such a thing.)

Me: "How do you spell, "Khazakstani?"
(Dorian and Jim drunkenly shout out letters.)
Me: "K-H-A-Z-A-K--"
Dorian: "Just type some country you can't pronounce, it doesn't matter."

"You can never write down anything I say! My words are words of POWER. They are KILL WORDS."

Dorian: "You are the reason the president can not spread his message of hope and change across the nation."
Me: "Because I wouldn't let Jim use my Facebook to--"
Dorian: "YES! Fox News came to the future, saw it wasn't worth it, and said FUCK IT! (Dorian distracts himself with the mention of Fox News, rambles angrily for a while)..."
Jim: "This is running a little long. You're like three Mitt Romneys bolted together, hitting on a confused Afghan woman. It's awkward, and sad."

Dorian: "Your mustache interrupts your dick!"

Dorian: "No, no, what I'm saying is, Plato didn't have balls, he'd have nuts."
Jim: "In the words of Plato: Deese nuts."

Dorian: "Buddhism makes sense. It's a lot like bi-chromosomal shift."

Jim: "I need to either get much more sober or much drunker. I'm not sure which one."
Dorian: "I vote whichever one makes you stop talking like an idiot."
Jim: "Could go either way, really."

Dorian: "It can't be Crystal Pepsi. You know how I know? Because Crystal Pepsi was only produced during one year directly from the anus of Satan."

Dorian: "To summarize, Adom: German is a racist language, their economy isn't stable thanks to the Greeks--those fuckers--and something about my penis."

"The Jews would be out there, apparently conquering the world via the Allmighty Dollar. Which is bullshit, really, because...we're too nice! What's the German word for 'sandwich?'"

Dorian: "ADOM! Call Tater, make him take us to IHOP!"
Me: "No."
Dorian: "ADOM!"
Me: "You call Tater."
Dorian: "I don't think I should operate electronics right now. Because...I know I'm sideways? But from my perspective, nothing's changed."
Jim: "Get him a phone! WAIT. I have a phone!"
(The two drunkenly discuss the Arabic language, then Dorian calls Tater on Jim's phone.)
Dorian: "Wait, what time is it?...I am so sorry! Were you asleep?...Wanna do us a favor? We may or may not have had an alcohol..."
Jim: "Ask him about his relationship with deese nuts!"
Dorian: "So Jim's offering to buy us a sandwich, wanna take us to IHOP?"
Jim: "(The end of a monolouge he was making while Dorian was on the phone that I missed) ...So I guess she's not into sex now. Ever."
Dorian: "Yeah. Yeah. We all have to get dressed again." (Dorian falls off the couch.)
Jim: "What's in the BOOOOOX?!"
Dorian: "Did you know that whatever direction you're facing...gravity works the same way?"

Dorian: "I like waffles. I am fucking Mexican as shit!"

Dorian: "Akhim is like the Rick Astley of cats. Under appreciated in his time, and the full power of his awesomeness will not be felt until generations from now."

Jim: "I'm pretty sure chimpanzees would love the shit outta crystal meth."

Me: "...Dorian, Jim's drunk and doing faith healings on our cat."

Thursday, July 26, 2012

James Bond, he is not.

"Dorian, time to wake up."
"Dorian, gotta get up."
"I AM A SPY! (Rattles off something in Russian, wakes himself up) Unh? Sweetie, no, mission'll be comprimi...zzzzz..."

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Senatorial Kittens art!

My friend Shanice made some art for the blog. I give you...senatorial kittens!

Get 'im!

Dorian fell asleep on the couch again last night. He was doing the Zoidberg arm flail through most of this.

" 'im, Akhim! Sweetie, don't let him get away! He took the purse...all the tie-dye!"

Monday, July 23, 2012

And I thought he was just playing Skyrim

Matt was fixing something on Phil's new computer:

Phil: (Alarmed shout)
Dorian: "Didja break it?"
Phil: "No, he turned it on."
Dorian: "Did it take your hand off? That almost happened to me. I'm not sayin' I'm dumb, or nothin', just that it happens and it's understandable."

He also gave me a very sweet card and took me fishing

"Hey, so you know that thing? That thing people say to you on your birthday?"
"Yeah. That."

Sunday, July 22, 2012


This morning, as I woke Dorian up to go fishing:

Dorian: "I love you."
Me: "I love you, too."
Dorian: "High five! (Puts his hand up in the "high five" position) ...Four...nine one one..."

This was at six am and I just now realized that he was actually reciting our area zip code.

(Derp. Thanks, commenter!)

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Eject the warp core!

Phil has a new computer.
Dorian: "What type of warp core does that thing have?"
Phil: "What?"
Dorian: "What size warp core does it take?"
Phil has a blank look.
 I shake my head, and mouth, "Star Trek," knowing Dorian's just making fun of him.

Phil: "What?"
I make the Live Long and Prosper hand signal.
Dorian: "What kind of warp core does it take?"
Phil: "Eight."

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Do the Penguin

Dorian wasn't feeling too well last night, and fell asleep on the couch.

"It's okay, just tell him I sent you...I'm trying to get the thing to move, but it won't, so we'll have to use the mushroom...Sweetie? It's okay, don't worry...Oh fuck, damn, I'll move it, just don't...I'll, I'll find him! You gotta has...(distressed moan) I just don't get enough [REDACTED]*."

And then he threw up.

He was feeling much better by the time we actually went to bed, so I felt okay with messing with him this morning as he slept.
"Dorian, look at all the penguins. Thousands of them."
"They're riding pogo sticks. Pogoing penguins."
"Stop being silly."
"And walruses. They're on scooters."
"Stop being silly. Walruses can't ride scooters. No feet. And can't wear helmets. Tusks." *Pokes two fingers in front of his face, simulating tusks*
"Ok. I'll just put party hats on the penguins."
"Can't wear hats. No chins."
"Party jackets, then."
"No. Not fancy."
"Fancy dinnerwear. Ok. What music should we play?"
(A few minutes pass, and I figure he's fallen into a deeper sleep. Then...) "Flapper music. Yeah. Do the penguin."
Then he locked his legs like a penguin and began to wiggle back and forth to a beat only he could hear.

* I run all my posts by Dorian before publishing them. So far, the only content he's objected to (and thus, has not been shared) has been sexually graphic, or relates to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I'll leave it up to you to decide which this was.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

It's a rough economy. It's hard for a feline to find work.

I tried to get up and out of bed several times this morning. Dorian kept grabbing me with one leg halfway over the edge of the bed, rolling over, and pinning me back down. So much for that idea.

"Dorian, wake up, you wanted me to make you coffee and breakfast."
(As he falls back to sleep) "I am waking up. I'm just doing it at my pace so I don't Hulk out...(softly) rawwwrrr..."

"You should come with me to the bank naked...we'll get a better price...and perks."

(Dorian flinches)
"Stop poking me with your guinea pig!...Stoppit!..."
(Dorian wakes)
"Your own hair brushed across your face and you accused me of poking you with my guinea pig."
(Falling back to sleep) "That's right, you're getting all the small mammals today...dip you in butter...WAH-BAM, you're delicious!"
(A moment passes. Dorian begins smacking his lips.)

(Akhim mews at the door, wanting to be fed.)
"Ahh! We're being robbed!"
"...No, we're not."
"It's your cat. He's hungry."
"I'm hungry. Fuck that freeloader. Fuck, fuck, fuck, goddamn, fuck...Will you make me some coffee?"
"Sure, but you have to actually let me out of bed this time."
"I will."
(I sit up to leave the bed. Dorian grabs me and pulls me back down.)
(Whining) "Gimme! No! I already laquered your hair."

"I don't have to mow the lawn."
(Akhim meows)
"Unemployed fuck. Get a job, cat."

"Take that, fuzzy wine!"

"I'm sorry!"
"I'm sorry the box I bought didn't work."
"It's okay."
(Dorian begins feeling the walls of a box, like a mime.)
"I'm looking for cold."

"What was I just doing?"
"You were pantomiming being stuck in a box."
"No, I was looking for cold...what was my plan again?"
"I don't--I wouldn't know."
"It had something to do with mammals."
(Ahkim meows)
"Goddamn, there aren't even mice, he just freeloads."
"He's your cat."
"Fuck. He doesn't even kill things."
"He took out some fruit flies."
"Tape could take care of fruit flies...(falls asleep)...gotta sell the thing...why aren't I wearing pants?"

Monday, July 16, 2012


*Dorian, sleeping, moves his arm, slapping me in the head*
"Oh, I'm sorry, sweet...we should lie down...huevos."

Saturday, July 14, 2012


(Alarmed) "...There's a bug in the oil."
(More alarmed) "...The bug...pour the oil into the cup..."
"I'll take care of it, don't worry."
(Very soft whisper) "Don't drink the oil."