Saturday, September 1, 2012

Concerning Facebook and Time Lords

Our friend Mort makes his own beer. After a day of drinking very little water and skipping meals, Dorian availed himself of Mort's beer. Several times.

I give you the results.

“There is a difference between drunken ramblings and prophecy. Drunken ramblings does not change your life. Everything I say is like prophecy.”

“Anal beads are nothing to be afraid of. They stay in the ground when you leave ‘em.”

To Jim:
“There will need to be an emancipation proclamation for the amount of ass kicking I will bring on you.”

On whether he could walk to the nearest gas station:
“I know the way. It’s straight and then it kinda goes, woo!

“It’s like the civil rights movement. You never know when the right moment to shove a lighter up someone’s nose is, but when it’s right, you know.”

“I am the opposite of the blue stabilizers on the TARDIS. I am not the blue boringers.”

Eden: “The flowers are like cotton candy.”
Dorian: “It gets stuck around your penis really easily and makes it hard to…(he notices us looking at him) What?”

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Girl Tree!”

"I can't believe I'm time traveling! I don't know whose face I am!"
Me: "Okay, sweetheart, let's get you home."
(I put an arm around him to stabilize him. He starts tugging at my shirt.)
Me: "Dorian. Dorian. Dorian!" 
Dorian: "What?"
Me: "You're taking off my clothes. Stop that."
Dorian, laughing: "Oh, sorry. (Whispers, giggling) To be honest, I thought they were my clothes."

So after a few hours of insisting that he is a Time Lord and other drunken nonsense, I drove him home. He sat down on the couch and attempted to post a status update to Facebook.

The status was this:

so it turn seems that no food and litlle not very water an alot of bneer is basically dancing and seinging bnilly idol out of the passegner seat of a car, I dont I actually did prefer the billy ocean "caribeaqn queen" but I i need water

He felt his message was unclear ("Nothing I am thinking is coming out of my fingers! It's like Little House on the Prairie, and I'm the black woman!"), so he elected to post this moments later.

I am sobrest than thent I typed : Not eating food andf havening water not id a bad idea for when you beer, I ended yup-0 singing abilly idol songs and in the p assenger seat, but i prefvered,. as usual the billy ocean. And I concluded that I need perhaps drink some water. See, it was alot more coherent.

Upon reading these posts:
"Oh, no! They're gonna think I'm drunk!"

He drank some water, then fell asleep on the couch.

And then he started talking.

"Hawaii? I'm gonna get that son of a bitch."

"I can't believe you broke a T-ball bat. I can't believe you brought a T-ball bat. Why? I have a machete in the car."

"I have jurisdiction everywhere."

"Akhim, you're the Michael Jordan of cats, you just won't stop being awesome...and you're fuzzy. I LOVE YOU, LITTLE MICHAEL JORDAN. And you're a kitty."

"Oh no! That one's flexible enough to pull it off!...Well, yeah, there's the in the one you've got to."

Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in between, my husband is a madman with a box.

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