Friday, March 29, 2013

Ghetto Bandages

*Akhim jumps up onto the table*
Dorian: "Akhim, what in the buttery cat hell do you think you're doing?"
*Akhim steps onto a chair, sits, looks at Dorian*
Dorian: "That's what I fucking thought."

Last night:

"What? No, not the Cheese Whiz. No, tell it to the other packaging."

"Huh? I don't think I did it! Did I?"

"Ghetto bandages...on the...face...marsupials."

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Happy Overpass!

Dorian made a lovely dinner for us tonight--pork ribs, gravy, and stuffing. As he sat down and took his first bite:

Dorian: "Oh, shit! Do you know what today is?"
Me, alarmed: "No, what?"
Dorian: "It's one of the last days of Passover. And I'm...eating pork cooked in butter and milk, with bread stuffing."
Me: "You have failed as a Jew."
Dorian: "Actually, I think I'm winning, because this is delicious!"

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Lust of the Mohicans

"I don't have a crush on Daniel Day-Lewis. I have the exact amount of affection appropriate for someone as awesome and amazing as Daniel Day-Lewis existing in this universe."

Friday, March 22, 2013

The Ducks Are Nigh

"Well, he should stop being a sparkly gay unicorn, then!" (This was said with great indignation, with nothing said before or after to provide a hint as to what the hell he was talking about.)

"Zzzz...Adom! They're not playing the game right."
"Uh? Who?"
(With deep offense) "The Dutch."
(Wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep.) "Well, tell them to stop it."
"I can't!"
"Why not?"
"Because I don't speak Dutch. Duh."
"Okay, well, tell Jim to tell them, then." (I assume that Dorian's sleep logic will be satisfied with Jim's Dutch heritage, and we can move on.)
"Jim won't work."
"Because he doesn't speak Dutch, either. Get it together, Adom."

"I have the basket! It's in the bag. And it's full of fishes!"

"Hitler didn't use guns, that's an urban myth. The Nazis, they fired ducks...Quack, quack...semi-auto ducks, quacka-quacka-quacka. It's all a conspiracy to keep people from knowing about how dangerous the ducks are...Dammit, Jim, I've had just about enough of your racism! The ducks are nigh."

(Jim is, for the record, not a racist. He and Dorian tease each other by accusing the other of horrible things he'd never do. It makes for interesting first impressions when they forget to turn it off around new people.)

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


"No, Keebler, you're not a Moose Elf. Those guys fuck trees. We keep it classy in this bitch."

Last night, Dorian woke up suddenly.
"Zzz--snort! Whuh? What? Dammit, I slept through the entire Trojan war."

While Dorian and Jim were playing Black Ops the other day:

Jim: "The scientific method is crucial to my lovemaking technique. You can laugh, but I'm totally serious. It gets results."

Jim: "I'm going to be all over you. Like my glorious, glorious handjobs."
Dorian: "Jim."
Jim: "Yeah?"
Dorian: "Shut the fuck up."

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Camel Luger

"The camel luger...he's the Olympic luge champion...but he's an asshole, you gotta watch out for him...him and the rest of his team...too many humps to be trustworthy."

"Go get him, Pizza Man!...NO, DON'T DO IT, PIZZA MAN!"

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Yes, Oostburg is a real place.

"Well, the good news is, if I come across a hydra, I will fight it for you. It's your fault. You're all like, 'Let's hang out in Oostburg,' and I'm all like, 'Hell no!'and you're all like, 'C'mon,' and I'm all, 'dammit.' I was not at all surprised to discover there's a hydra in Oostburg. Fortunately, I know all I have to do is cut off its head...well, damn."

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

I can't even remember what the joke was, now.

(I tell a joke, badly.)
Dorian: "You totally ruined that delivery. You're like the Vlastic Pickle stork."

Monday, March 4, 2013


Dorian has not been feeling well the last month or so (hence the lack of updates), but here's one from last night:

(Angrily) "Well tell him he's going to have to pay full price if he wants the colander...asshole."