It's worth mentioning this post is unusually unsafe for work. Once again, Dorian gives the ok before anything gets published here.
Our group makes up food-related holidays and then throws parties. Yesterday, we celebrated Bacoween (in which everyone makes something involving bacon and then we have a big dinner. For the vegetarians, we also celebrate All Hummus Eve.).
Mort brought over some kind of bacon maple donut ale. I didn't taste it, because I don't like beer in general, and the idea of combining the flavors maple, bacon, donut, and sour liquid bread did not appeal to me at all.
Nor did the wheat beer Mort brought.
Not so with Dorian. He had some. And some schnapps.
"I always do just the tip. It's funny, 'cause it's a Nascar joke."
"So the Jews walk into a bar and just buy the joint. 'Cause we own the world, yo!...Seriously, I've never seen a dime of that money."
"I hate Justin Beiber. He's like the antichrist wrapped up in Ramero."
(Tater had a piece of duct tape stuck to his shirt.)
"What the hell is with this nipple tape? I'm taking it!"
"Did you catch that? I said your penis must be quantifiably quantifiable to be verified! That means it's very small, smaller than quarks! I'm thinking thatTater's penis is like god, if it's there, it's insignificant!"
(After saying ow, and being asked if he's okay)
"Martin Luther King Day, when is it?"
"Okay, I'm good, then. It's all good."
"Picture me in Link's costume, except instead of the top, it has a bikini, and instead of a bikini top, it's pasties."
Me: "Do you really want to have a conversation with my parents about getting your fist stuck in your ex-girlfriend's...whatever?"
Dorian: "No, I'm saying, that's what makes it awkward."
Tater: "His Christmas present: Lube."
Dorian: "Lube, fuck that, you'd need axel grease, and a...a...(makes a confusing, completely indecipherable gesture with both hands)...uh...tow truck."
Dorian: "Alexander the Great conquered Macedonia and Asia Minor by the time he was twenty-seven. What are you doing with your life?"
Tater: "Sam knows where the weather machine is."
Dorian: "A billows attached to a heat lamp does not make a weather machine."
And then he fell asleep on the couch.
"Your face is gullible like the Indian Ocean."
"I'm going to set you all ON FIRE!"
"There's a Wockit in My Pocket...it's the Fifty Shades of Grey of Doctor Seuss."
"Fuck 'em, fuck 'em, fuck 'em, fuck 'em, shut up, Tater...the llama said that peace is in the heart of every man...fuckin', fuckin', fuckin' shit fuck."