Dorian had a rough day. Jim came over to cheer him up. Jim brought booze.
You already know where this is going.
Dorian: "Aw, Akhim, you've never been on a drunk person before...this is what we smell like."
Dorian: "Fuckin' pandas need to stay where the whales are."
Dorian: "Ahkim lacks 99% of the things I find attractive. However, he has a complete and total hatred for humanity. That and he purrs."
Dorian: "Look, the point is, regardless of whether or not I am wearing pants, I did something--"
Jim: "I did something once."
Dorian: "Didn't get in the Bible, though. Lazy dick...okay, damn, I can't remember what I was talking about, but it had something to do with badgers or octopi."
Dorian: "I have a penis!"
Me: "Good job."
Dorian: "I'm serious. I want the fact that I have male genitalia out in the public realm."
Dorian: "I really wanna get naked. Can you give me that hat? It's like the reverse of naked, but better." (The hat is a Khazakstani border patrol hat from 1993. So imagine a man in his shorts wearing such a thing.)
Me: "How do you spell, "Khazakstani?"
(Dorian and Jim drunkenly shout out letters.)
Dorian: "Just type some country you can't pronounce, it doesn't matter."
"You can never write down anything I say! My words are words of POWER. They are KILL WORDS."
Dorian: "You are the reason the president can not spread his message of hope and change across the nation."
Me: "Because I wouldn't let Jim use my Facebook to--"
Dorian: "YES! Fox News came to the future, saw it wasn't worth it, and said FUCK IT! (Dorian distracts himself with the mention of Fox News, rambles angrily for a while)..."
Jim: "This is running a little long. You're like three Mitt Romneys bolted together, hitting on a confused Afghan woman. It's awkward, and sad."
Dorian: "Your mustache interrupts your dick!"
Dorian: "No, no, what I'm saying is, Plato didn't have balls, he'd have nuts."
Jim: "In the words of Plato: Deese nuts."
Dorian: "Buddhism makes sense. It's a lot like bi-chromosomal shift."
Jim: "I need to either get much more sober or much drunker. I'm not sure which one."
Dorian: "I vote whichever one makes you stop talking like an idiot."
Jim: "Could go either way, really."
Dorian: "It can't be Crystal Pepsi. You know how I know? Because Crystal Pepsi was only produced during one year directly from the anus of Satan."
Dorian: "To summarize, Adom: German is a racist language, their economy isn't stable thanks to the Greeks--those fuckers--and something about my penis."
"The Jews would be out there, apparently conquering the world via the Allmighty Dollar. Which is bullshit, really, because...we're too nice! What's the German word for 'sandwich?'"
Dorian: "ADOM! Call Tater, make him take us to IHOP!"
Me: "You call Tater."
Dorian: "I don't think I should operate electronics right now. Because...I know I'm sideways? But from my perspective, nothing's changed."
Jim: "Get him a phone! WAIT. I have a phone!"
(The two drunkenly discuss the Arabic language, then Dorian calls Tater on Jim's phone.)
Dorian: "Wait, what time is it?...I am so sorry! Were you asleep?...Wanna do us a favor? We may or may not have had an alcohol..."
Jim: "Ask him about his relationship with deese nuts!"
Dorian: "So Jim's offering to buy us a sandwich, wanna take us to IHOP?"
Jim: "(The end of a monolouge he was making while Dorian was on the phone that I missed) ...So I guess she's not into sex now. Ever."
Dorian: "Yeah. Yeah. We all have to get dressed again." (Dorian falls off the couch.)
Jim: "What's in the BOOOOOX?!"
Dorian: "Did you know that whatever direction you're facing...gravity works the same way?"
Dorian: "I like waffles. I am fucking Mexican as shit!"
Dorian: "Akhim is like the Rick Astley of cats. Under appreciated in his time, and the full power of his awesomeness will not be felt until generations from now."
Jim: "I'm pretty sure chimpanzees would love the shit outta crystal meth."
Me: "...Dorian, Jim's drunk and doing faith healings on our cat."